


Dementia

by Jeageractive



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Reincarnation, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-23
Updated: 2015-01-14
Packaged: 2018-01-26 05:14:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1676030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeageractive/pseuds/Jeageractive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever since Eren lost his mother in a car accident, he'd went mute by choice, and had been haunted by dreams that gradually become more irrelevant to his mother.</p><p>Levi specializes in these kinds of cases and practically campaigns to make Eren speak, or at least express himself in any form. He wasn't expecting the kid to alter his entire view on reality and make him question everything about everything instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [katcchako](https://archiveofourown.org/users/katcchako/gifts).



> For my senpai even though it's crappy.  
> I really hope you like it.

"So you're saying he's spoken before."

"I'm sure that he still can. Nothing has been proven otherwise medically, his vocals are undamaged."

Eren pressed his face deeper into his arms and willed them all away with his mind, his father, the nurses, the other person he was talking to that he hadn't met but already disliked. He didn't want help, didn't want his father to go around making his throat the country's test subject.

He wanted his own piece of the world to stay his own. This new doctor, therapist or whatever was just another person to add to his hate list. 

"I'll see what I can do." Was the last he heard before his journey of psychological probing began once again.

-

"We won't jump into the speaking part just yet." Eren's therapist explained while he continued avoiding the man's gaze and stared at a spot on the wall across from his desk."Your father said you possessed a previous skill in art, so we'll start with that."

As if reading the boy's mind, he added,"I'm no shoulder to cry on, or one interested in your personal life, as many first expect. I'm simply here to revive natural actions and habits any healthy human is capable of." A few papers shuffled before he was standing up, not looking back when he asked Eren to follow him out of the room.

-

He's never held a paintbrush in a long while, but seeing the supplies spread available in front of him on the desk made him yearn for it again. His therapist, Levi, who he'd refused to acknowledge in any way, had left him with a sheet of watercolor paper, brushes and a set of watercolors, telling him to paint whatever was on his mind before he left.

So he did, a line forming between his eyebrows as he concentrated, lips pressed firmly together as he painted in vigorous anger. Anger at what, he wasn't sure.

Levi came back a minute after he'd set his brush down and stared at the picture with his head in his hands. He immediately grabbed it and shoved it in the small space underneath the desk and glanced away.

"Show me." The older asked calmly as he stood by Eren's desk. The boy fell in a state of panic all of a sudden, because he didn't want to at all, and abruptly got up to his feet and snatched the painting out of the desk. He tore it apart as he made his way to the trash can in a corner of the room, having shredded it into bits before throwing it and watching bits of red flutter down.

He folded his arms protectively across his chest and remained in his spot with his back to the man, who didn't say a single thing about his course of action. And he hated it, the monotone indifference of what he didn't know and never would, thinking he could simply because he'd studied people. Eren wasn't like other people. He'd never be again.

-

Apparently, Eren's previous action had sent them straight into the speaking part and here he was sitting across from Levi, stubbornly glaring at the piece of paper he'd absolutely declined to read.

After about half an hour with failed progress from the therapist's part to make Eren say his name, he folded his hands on the table and gave Eren a gaze that he felt boring through him with it's intensity.

"We can't continue like this. Don't want to talk? You have to communicate in some sort of way."

Eren didn't budge.

"Why aren't you cooperating? This for your own good, you know."

Out of anger, he pulled out a pocket notebook and pen he kept for emergencies and scrawled down,' _I don't need or want your help. Think you understand_  ? _How about you don't waste your time because you don't understand.'_

He slid it across the table and resumed his previous occupation.

The man chuckled, and Eren's eye twitched in agitation."You have no idea how many tell me this. It's almost as bad as convicts who claim to be not guilty."

The brunet bit his lip as he restrained himself from hurting Levi. He was so done.

"Let's make a deal. Give me one month, and in that time the least you can do is communicate through notes. If I can't convince you that I do understand, I myself will tell your father that I am not fit or capable of handling you."

Eren pondered this for a second. His eyes moved to the notepad and pen presented in front of him again, taking in Levi's slim fingers, barely calloused and bordering between feminine. He didn't know how the man looked like, other than the buzz cut at the back of his head and his short posture. He didn't plan to look at his face anytime either.

He grabbed the pen and wrote done a quick ' _alright',_ as if it hurt his pride to lag.

"Good. Now for starters, Eren, would you tell me about your dreams?"

Fuck.

He grimaced as he wrote uncommitted things down.  _Giants. Soldiers. Walls. Wings. Death. Blood.  
_

He put his pen down and Levi picked the notebook up. He regarded it for a long moment before speaking."Any relevance to something that's occurred in your life?"

Eren shook his head.

"Are they connected?"

He nodded.

"Some sort of story you feel brain created?"

The brunet snatched the notebook back.

_It's my reality._

The session ended right there. And Eren understood why when he overheard him telling Grisha something when he came to pick him.

"It's more serious than you think."

Fuck Levi. Fuck them all.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

It's been ten days with constant visits to therapy. 

Eren had broken a window with his fist, had refused to write and communicate with Levi for a session, and still hadn't seen the man's face in that time. He was surprised people said he lacked any self control, really.

The man was trying, Eren will give that to him. To earn his trust at first, because if Eren didn't trust him, he couldn't tell him anything. 

And Eren didn't trust him. Therapy was all forced after all, he did nothing willingly, and kept the information he gave to a minimum. He wouldn't give up that easily.

Neither was Levi going to, it seemed.

What bothered Eren the most was his almost inhuman immunity to everything. He didn't get angry, didn't chastise Eren, didn't respond to any of his raging actions.

"Clean the glass and tend to his hand." Was what he said the day he broke the window, and carried on simply.

"You can take a moment to collect yourself if you like." Was all he told him the day he wouldn't write to him.

Everyone else,  _everyone_ not excluding a single person he met, never lasted that long. They stopped bothering after a day or two, and some got frustrated and let it out on him in some way. Even Mikasa had quit on him a long time ago.

Levi made it seem like he had all the time and patience in the world. 

Timeless probing and therapy. Eren thought of the cup half empty, not full. 

He didn't know why, but he didn't rip his painting this time.

"Can I see?" Levi asked, and Eren blinked at the desk for a second before extracting the piece of paper and setting it down in front of him. His skills had dulled and now were sloppy, his color scheming was absolute shit, but at least he felt it slovenly enough to portray what his thoughts were like.

"I see."

If Eren talked, he would've made a snarky captain obvious remark. He almost gasped.

It's been a long while since he associated 'if' with his speech. He almost wanted to kick himself for it.

"Is this...?"

Levi began after a second. Eren took the picture out of his hand, set it down and scrawled down at the bottom,'colossal.'

"Strange picture indeed." He seemed to mumble more to himself.

The second time he mentioned the absurdity of his dreams is when Eren had lost control and took it out on glass. Ever since then, he'd never brought it up in the same sense again. Eren wondered if what he said a moment ago was genuine curiosity or just his usual aversion.

-

Grisha was a good man. But one who hasn't experienced, cannot sympathize, and therefore cannot understand.

Eren was in the waiting room outside of Levi's office like always when conversations that his father thought were confidential he could hear all the time occurred, and this one made him go stiff with dread and made his chest seize his pain. How could his father ever make such a suggestion?

"Do you think he needs to be admitted into a...?"

Levi instantly caught on and interjected."No. Not at all. I can assure you he is progressing, as little progress it is. A mental institution would do him no good, just the title is fit enough to damage him emotionally."

Eren was more than sure Levi would have approved. His answer completely caught him off guard, and kept his mind occupied for some time.

-

Today would mark Eren's twentieth session. He still hadn't seen Levi's face, but his voice irked him a lot less. He didn't snatch things out of his hand anymore, didn't glare at a spot and imagine it reflecting to Levi.

But at the same time, he hadn't warmed up to the man. Just...the fiery hate had dissipated into something akin to acceptance.

Everything he'd worked at for six years all crashed into nothing that session. He still couldn't understand what had happened to him.

Levi was coaxing him to utter something simple as per usual, and he was of course, declining. The raven stopped, suddenly, fingers drumming against the table.

"Why won't you look at me?" It was in his same professional voice, but a hint of...something else was within it, too.

It was a good question. Why didn't Eren look him in the face? At the beginning, it was just defiance. Didn't he accept Levi now? If he accepted, then he'd face the intolerable.

His eyes roamed the table, eyebrows pulled down in their everlasting frown.

"If you looked at me, you'd be able to speak easier." Hah. If he even spoke."Look me in the eye and say my name."

It sounded almost...intimate, although unintentionally. It made Eren want to slap him across the face for confusing him so much. He took his bottom lip between his teeth and gnawed at it nervously, trying to steady his shallow breathing.

Sure, he'll look Levi in the face. Speak to him? In his dreams.

Turquoise eyes darted down uncertainly for another moment, before he slowly lifted his gaze up. He might as well have jumped off a bridge.

He took it bit by bit, he was nervous enough, just suddenly gazing up would make him uncomfortable. It was a tough fight. But his curious mind got the better of him.

His eyes traveled over the black covered chest, the pressed collar of his dress shirt, the pale skin of his neck. He regarded his face with the same sense of...dread, almost. He didn't know what he was dreading.

His face went hand in hand with his monotone voice, his sharp eyes gave nothing but calm vibes away. Eren imagined those delicate, tense eyebrows twitching in annoyance every time Eren pouted away, the only source of expression in his face. Black hair framed his forehead effortlessly, silk-like in it's shine and texture.

Maybe that was the point of Eren's psychological crisis, because he absolutely lost it.

He barely felt it coming, but saw it in the alarm in Levi's eyes. Hot tears, angry, devastated, every negative emotion he could think of went loose when he blinked again, teeth clenching angrily as hit him all at once.

He didn't know what. It just, hit him.

His lips were moving, he was swallowing to accustom his throat to produce noise. "L..." he angrily fisted a hand in his hair, for saying it and for the difficulty of speech at the same time."L...Le-Le...vi."

Something had went terribly wrong.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's see if I can finish it in another chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied. Three chapters won't do. Also three quarters of this chapter were done like, two weeks ago and only now I found the inspiration to squeeze in a few last words and finish it.
> 
> I usually make Grisha such a Jerk, I think it's time he got his fair share of nice.

There was an interval of time Eren couldn't really remember, the world blurring like his undefined mind and when he came to again Levi was in front of him, lips moving to form words he couldn't really hear at first.

"...the matter? Are you hurt?"

He blinked, suddenly going frustrated at himself for the wetness at the corners of his eyes. He wiped at them with heel of his palm and angrily stared down at the floor.

"Shit." Levi breathed to himself, and it took Eren a second to realize that Levi had  _sweared,_  displayed something other than his usual zero-fucks-about-everything demeanor. "Too soon, huh? Shouldn't have pressured you like that. Are you alright?"

It escaped his lips without warning."Are you?" He looked up and regarded Levi again, with dread, agonizingly painful dread of the unexpected. No, he knew what he was searching for this time, it finally came to him after being blurred for so long.

_For blood and scars._

_What?_

Eren was reflecting Levi's confused expression now.

"I'm alright." He seemed to almost venture."Why do you ask?"

Eren wracked his brain, eyebrows drawing in together as he forced his disoriented brain to fucking _work already_. Why blood and scars? He's a doctor, a therapist, not a...

...a soldier.

His mouth went dry, and he suddenly found himself unable to continue countering Levi's gaze. His eyes found the floor again, and he felt the tears start to persist against the back of his eyes."Can I..."It shouldn't feel this good to talk."...go home?"

"Of course. You've done so much today, I'm proud of you."

 _I'm proud of you._ It kept him up all night, constricting his chest.

-

Grisha was really happy. Ecstatic. In cloud nine.

Eren couldn't have cared less. He felt cruel for this lack of emotion, and even when Grisha had engulfed him in a hug he couldn't do or say anything, just let him be.

But then he asked him to say something. Eren did, he uttered a simple 'dad'. And Grisha cried.

That's when he realized how selfish of him it was to make such a decision, even if he was only nine when he saw his mother die in front of him, even if it did hurt so much that he transformed it into hatred and anger at everything, it was so fucking inhuman of him to do this to everyone that loved him. It felt so good to cry in his father's arms, to let it out for once instead of letting it kill him from the inside.

And he felt it, he knew he couldn't hate Levi anymore. Even though the road to recovery was still long, the first step is the most important.

He dreamt a lot that night. Of blood. Tears. Wings. Death. Soldiers. Giants.

But Levi found his way into his reality somehow, and it made his blood run cold. Because no one other than himself appeared in his dreams—everyone else was a blur of faces and broken smiles.

-

"You don't look like you slept at all." Was the first thing Levi notices about him the next session.

Eren shook his head.

"No. Talk to me. You have to get used to it."

Eren nodded, but then remembered, and mumbled a half-hearted "Okay."

"Dreams?"

"Mhm."

"What about this time?"

The brunet really didn't want to talk today."Draw it out?"

Levi took a moment to contemplate, fingers drumming against the table, a habit Eren had gotten to love as he loved the soft patter of rain outside. "Alright. But we're talking this through, nonetheless." 

Eren nodded. He'll worry about that later.

Levi didn't leave him to draw on his own this time, he pulled up a chair by his desk, and sat quietly as he watched. Eren thought it would be incredibly uncomfortable—he never could do art with someone watching, let alone Levi—but he found the effect quite the contrary as he drew. Levi just had that influence on people, Eren anyway, with his lack of words and expression but his everlasting attentiveness and patience. Eren didn't know what the man felt, maybe he was exhausted, tired of Eren, uncommitted, but he knew in most situations that he could depend on him. Shit, he  _trusted_ him, and it didn't piss him off that he did.

With Levi in his vicinity, his sloppy painting was still sloppy, but it came to life in more than one way. The emotion in it told a story—the dark and confining greens, the blood bath, the blurred background, and the clarity of the soldier in contrast. It was just as much a beautiful story as it was disturbing and grotesque. 

"It's strange, the way you execute it." It took Eren a second to realize Levi was talking about the painting. His heart leaped into his throat went Levi gently reached for his wrist, gesture meaning no harm but Eren was traumatized—mind still immersed in his own world.

His wrist was pulled a little closer to Levi and turned over to face his palm. Two fingers pressed down on his arteries, and he calmed when Levi's intentions became clear.

"Art is supposed to be an activity of relaxation. Why is it the opposite for you?"

"I...I think a lot when I paint. About my dreams."

"That haircut seems oddly familiar." Levi quipped, inclining his chin towards the desk as a different emotion glinted in his eyes.

Eren felt his cheeks grow hot because he'd involuntarily created the soldier as Levi, almost perfecting the undercut. He'd angrily stared at it for long enough.

"I...you were in my dreams."

A pause."What was I doing there?"

"Fighting."

"Do I look like a fighter to you?"

"Now you do." Another, longer stretch of silence ensued.

"Eren." His tone hardened, went serious. And Eren didn't like it one bit."None of it is real."

"Don't say that." It hurt him especially because this was coming out of Levi."Please."

"You can't do this to yourself. What's real is in front of you, your life, your father, your friends. It's all in your head."

"How do you know?" Eren felt himself quickly lose his temper.

"Keep your voice down."

"I'm tired of doing that. You said you understand, didn't you? Do you ever stay up all night just because your life will continue in a horrifying nightmare once you close your eyes?"

"My personal life has nothing to do with this, but just for your satisfaction, I do. I'm an insomniac, and I stay up because I know it happened. My nightmares were real, in this life, if it's death you're talking about, then they all died. If it's blood you're talking about, I had enough of it to drown in. If it's emotional instability, I spent a good chunk of my life doing that too." His voice was collected, but some feelings couldn't possibly be concealed, not after all of the things he said. And Eren wondered for a moment what he was questioning if he didn't know the truth about him.

"But you know what's the difference? It happened. You don't need cannibalistic giants to suffer, all that's necessary is a society of humans and you'll have the most destructive life you could imagine."

It was too much for Eren to swallow. He knew this man. He knew those words. He knew that sharp flashing in stormy eyes, the power of his tongue, the authority. He was here to fight, always to fight, but couldn't fight against what he believed in as well.

"Convince me, Eren. That I don't understand."

"I'm...sorry."

A soft sigh."You don't have to apologize. I just wanted to clear up something. What I meant was, tell me more about it. You're not one to lead your whole entire life on fantastical assumptions, you're a stubborn kid, sure, but I think whatever was strong enough to convince you could have elements of credibility. Let's see if you can persuade me."

Eren realized that was one thing he was never prepared for. To be asked to persuade, instead of being ignored. It was open to judgment now. And it was so much more difficult, because it was all led by his heart.

"It's feeling. Instinct. How do I explain that?"

"Make me feel it, then."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha idk what I'm doing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while.

Levi was the thorn in his side when they first met, and it continued on like this for a long while. But then he became the one to unravel him bit by bit, the one privileged with Eren's trust, and then the one that removed the fog from his existence. And now, how these few words could bring such a horrid image―no,  _memory_ to his mind was beyond him. It was all he needed to understand, everything suddenly made perfect sense, from the pain inflicted when looking into the captivating storm in his eyes, to the very person sitting in front of him.

But he wished he hadn't remembered it this way. No, if only he'd listened to Levi and _never remembered in the first place._

Because this nightmare he was sitting through awake―it was unbearable. 

He was talking unconsciously all of a sudden."You told me something once. No―you were dying and you told me―"

It increased in clarity all of a sudden. It was Levi―but it wasn't. Because Levi was not a soldier. Levi isn't a soldier.

_Levi's not a soldier._

Levi is the Corporal, Humanity's  _strongest_ soldier. Eren loved him once. And Eren was going fucking insane.

"Eren?"

It mingled with the ragged breath in his mind, it was the same voice, but the one in his head sounded so much more defeated. He was heavy in his arms, or maybe he was just the weak one. He didn't like the texture of his hair anymore, there was something else in it that didn't belong. That wasn't all―so many things were wrong in this picture, like the way he was forcing himself to keep his eyes open, the subtle movements of his chest, his straining pulse, his ripped cloak, the droplets of blood pooling at on corner of his lips, his bloodied hands. Eren was really confused and his mind couldn't get a grasp of what was currently happening. All he knew is that he was scared of a lot of things right now, like the way Levi grimaced when he trailed a hand over his chest.

"Get up, Eren. You have to get up." His voice didn't pass a slight murmur.

"Why?" Panic suddenly replaced his feelings of confusion.

"Because." One side of his lips tugged back, and maybe if his lips weren't tainted he'd just look like he was lazily smiling."Weren't you the idiot who thought he could carry the world on his shoulders? You have to finish what you started." 

There was inhuman rumbling behind his back and noises of utter chaos. He understood then, but he still didn't want to get up.

His voice increased in urgency."Get up. Eren. Are you really going to let this all go to waste?"

Eren felt small like a child, utterly devoid of hope. How could he be their last hope when no promising feeling was left within him anymore? It really was a waste for them to depend on him.

Loud thuds getting warmer suddenly broke him out of his stupor, and Levi's eyes flashed with a start."Eren. Let me go."

"No." He heard himself saying, face contorting in a hurt frown as his hands tightened around Levi's frame.

"Eren, please." He was breathless. And Eren felt horrible for going against a dying man's wish."Don't you understand? The fate of an entire race depends on your choice and you can't even let one of them go."

The stomping grew very close, so close the ground vibrated with each foothold. Eren made his decision.

" _Eren._ Fucking get up and fight right now, this is an _order_."

A large shadow fell over them, shielding the scorching sun from beating down on them and Levi's eyes held an amount of pain like no other before. To die with torn bodies scattered about, and in the arms of the one and last hope that no longer exists―it really was a tragic death.

"I don't want to see this." Eren almost caved in. He'd never heard his superior sound this vulnerable before, and it tore him apart but he couldn't, he would never live through another day. Not alone. 

"We did enough." Eren found himself saying, more so to convince himself as tears blurred vision again."We did enough. That's all we could do."

"No."Levi tilted his head away."We gave up."

"I'm sorry." _I can't do it anymore_."I'm so sorry."

"No one will remember once we're all wiped out. What a shame."

"I will, sir. I promise you." That was it."I promise."

-

"I promised." Eren swallowed as it all came back to him."To carry the legacy of thousands of soldiers with me."

"And what good is that to you?"

This isn't _the_ Levi. He's different. _Don't take his words to heart._

"It'd be a shame to forget." Eren murmured, eyes distant."Those were your words."

"I've never picked up a weapon my entire life. I'm alive, too."

It's no use.

He sighed, soft and ignorant.

"Get some sleep, Eren. Make that a priority." He got up and set his clipboard down. Eren couldn't bring himself to say or do anything.

He paused, sticking his hands in his white coat pockets thoughtfully."Real or not, it's over now. You're safe. You have a family, peers who care about you. Don't lose them again."

_But I still don't have you._

"All you can really do now...is to believe that you won't regret the choices you will make."

Eren smiled bitterly. He really did wish the man had deviated from his older self in some way so it would be easier to let him go.


	5. Chapter 5

Eren really had taken Levi's words in consideration, about the rest of his friends and peers. But the problem was that they'd drifted apart so much, Eren felt like initiating something between them was like intruding in a circle he's never been in before, and he restlessly awaited a chance to say yes, like maybe they'd ask him to hang out, or sit with him at this table, do homework together there, go watch the newest teen romance movie and make a hell of a lot of fun of it.

Although, deep down he knew that wouldn't happen anytime soon. He'd built a wall between them all, thick and sturdy, and they were afraid to break it and anger Eren. But at the same time, Eren felt too guilty to break it down now all of a sudden, after they'd most likely gotten used to it without him.

Mikasa stil didn't know. He couldn't gather the courage to utter a word before her, or anyone else, and Grisha fortunately agreed to keep it a secret until Eren felt comfortable speaking in a natural manner again.

He waited for her to visit that week like she always did, hopeful, but not necessarily willing. Willing to speak, willing to befriend again.

"Hello, Eren." She didn't greet him any different when for once, he opened the door for her, but her eyes expressed a small glint of surprise.

Eren merely nodded, more so nervous than anything, and she followed him upstairs to his room quietly but in contemplation. He'd missed her, and nothing was as great as her company right now.

"Are you feeling better?" She inquired with a stronger sense of curiosity, and the brunet could practically feel her slowly becoming nervously relieved when he patted the space beside him on his bed. This was the most communication she'd got out of him in years.

Glady, she took the offered seat and momentarily went quiet as she watched his fidgeting knee.

"School's almost out. It's a good prospect, I guess, but exams are going to be a pain."

Part of Eren was happy she hadn't changed her routine of having a one-sided conversation with him about everything he'd missed, in school, outside, at her place. But she always topped it with a wistful sigh and comment about how she'd wished he'd be there with her, and a wave of nauseating guilt would wash over him.

"You know how I told you about Jean becoming...I don't know, more insistent, desperate?" She cracked a small smile, and if her eyes hadn't drifted back ahead then maybe she would've seen the twitch of Eren's lips, too."It's so cute. I never thought I'd use that word seriously ever in my life, but, I just...I'm starting to see him the way he wants me to, you know?"

She tilted her head in his direction again, and Eren nodded, slightly, but a response nonetheless.

"The next time he asked me out, which was only recently, I said yes. I really wanna give it a shot."

Eren forced everything he wanted to say down. Like, _I'm happy for you. He's a jerk, and I don't see what the fuck you see in him, but I guess if you could make it work out..._

Then he thought of something that really saddened him. Like how he couldn't be there to slam Jean against a locker when Mikasa wasn't looking and give him some protective brotherly threats. To tease them when they were at that awkward stage, to give Mikasa useless love advice.

She paused and that wistful look settled back in her eyes again."I missed you. But it's great to see you're doing better."

He almost opened his mouth to say something, but somehow stopped himself. She continued her conversation, the one prolonged conversation that never bored Eren. She talked about everything, from the smallest detail to the most general comments. Eren drew his knees up to his chest and listened to her intently, watching idly her small gestures, how she always tucked back the few strands of silky hair every time they went lose and brushed past her ears. How she swallowed when she spoke of something upsetting, how she looked at her hands when she talked about Jean. His heart flitted whenever his eyes fell back to the red scarf adorning her neck, the only symbol of their still remaining friendship. It's like he was waiting for the day she came without it and told him she was tired of him.

"Well," Mikasa finally said with a sigh, taking a glance at her wrist watch."I'd better go. I have a huge paper to finish tonight."

Eren felt a small twinge of panic.

She brushed a lock of hair away from her face and gave Eren a small smile."I'll see you later."

He watched as she made her way to the door, conflicted, gnawing at his bottom lip. He cleared his throat."Um...Mikasa."

She stopped, went rooted in place. Didn't even turn around. Eren felt his nerves kick in again."I didn't tell you, but...I can..."

He didn't get a chance to finish, because suddenly she was hugging him, crying softly, and that was enough telling.

-

Eren hadn't expected to be dragged back into his social life so quickly. Grisha had arranged for him to be studying back in school normally instead of being home schooled next year, and Eren would lie if he said he weren't nervous.

The first thing Mikasa and the rest of his group had decided, was a huge movie bash (puns were their thing, especially since they sat there and bashed it all day), and Eren didn't know when it happened but suddenly they were in line to grab their tickets and everyone was talking at once. It was a bit overwhelming, but not in an unpleasant way.

Then that small incident happened, and it shouldn't have bothered Eren as much as it did. He was so preoccupied with a glaring contest with Jean that he hadn't noticed how obnoxious that lady was in front of him, and it suddenly clicked that she was giving him a headache and he turned back to face the front of the line.

She was a middle aged brunet, babbling in uncontained excitement to the shorter man beside her, and Eren instantly recognized that buzz cut because how could he not?

"Hey, are you even listening?" She grabbed his arm and he stuck a pinky in his ear and pretended to shake it out. She groaned some more."Leeeviiii."

Eren had stood still for a second, because the way they were standing, the picture set out before him as he stared at their backs, it was all so...achingly familiar.

Suddenly the brunet threw a look over her shoulder and smiled sheepishly, fixing her crooked glasses."Sorry, am I too loud?"

Eren forgot what to say, because Levi had turned around too and he felt himself feel awkward all over again. "No, that's..." It was strange to see him in such casual wear, so laid back. Eren couldn't think of him as anyone other than his therapist, because whatever he was to him before was inappropriate to think about now. He had a black v neck on, sweat pants, and black and red Nike shoes, loosely laced.

"Eren. Hello." Levi offered in his flat tone, as if reading Eren's mind and sparing him the trouble.

"Oh!" Eren suddenly said, eyes going back to the woman."You're Hanji Zoe."

"Yes I am." She gave him a grin."How did you know?"

The brunet suddenly felt his throat go dry, eyes widening a little as if he was cornered. He felt Levi's gaze on him again fisted the hand in his pocket nervously, sweat breaking at the back of his neck. 

"I..." He said the first thing that came to his mind."Levi told me about you." He hadn't.

"Oh. I've heard about you as well. It's nice to meet you, and I'm glad you've recovered."

He gave her a nervous smile, willed himself to not look at the raven.

She lifted her glasses again, this time so they'd push back her bangs and rest on her head."Betcha he scared you into talking again. Trust me, I know how scary he could get."

Levi might've gave a witty response to that, or a downright blatant one, but he didn't react at all to her words. Eren dared a fleeting glance up at him, and found just what he was expecting in his eyes. A bit shocked, a bit disturbed. They were questioning, but not necessarily questioning Eren.

Connie grabbed his attention again, and Eren turned back to his friends with a mood completely ruined, everything he offered being half assed for the rest of the day.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

Therapy didn't stop right there, and part of Eren was happy because it was his only connection with Levi. Another part of him was just sick and tired. No one was taking a moment to consider his point of view, they all rushed to change his mind set. Which, they absolutely couldn't. 

Something was oddly off about their next session.

Levi was detached every second of it. It wasn't that he usually would be passionate or expressive, but it just felt like he wanted to get the job over with. Eren wondered if it had something to do with their coincidental meeting a few days ago.

He watched him subtly, did as he was told. Maybe they were both trying to get it over with, really. Art. Talking. Writing. More hollow talking.

Eren played around with the pen in his hand as he watched Levi sift through a bunch of papers, looking downright murderous. He knew it was only restlessness, though, the constant impatient gestures and _tap tap tap_ of his feet against the floor.

Eren decided he did something wrong. He shouldn't have said that. He didn't know Hanji, as far as Levi knew, and it was stupid of him to just spew it out like that.

He was watching Levi intently, lost in his own thoughts, and barely noticed him meet his gaze. 

"What is it?"

Eren gave him a sheepish expression, eyes darting away. "Sorry. You just...look really tired."

He fixed his stack of papers and neatly and clipped them back on his clipboard, seemingly avoiding Eren's comment. But then he breathed a small chuckle.

"I think you're getting to me."

Eren blinked back in confusion, unsure what he meant. He twirled his pen in thought, regarding the raven quizzically.

Levi sighed, put his things down and rubbed his temples with a hand."I had a dream."

It took Eren a second to realize what he was implying. His breath caught in his throat.

"I'm losing it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this chapter is so short I'm so sorry.


	7. Chapter 7

He understood. He fully understood what he was implying. But it was hard to believe. He opened his mouth, closed it wordlessly again."What...kind of a dream?"

"I think you know what I mean, Eren." His tone was irritably snappish suddenly, and he sighed, putting down whatever was in his hands in favor of supporting his head against a fist."I've been hearing too much of this bullshit."

"Bullshit?" Eren retorted indignantly."Didn't you just-you said yourself that-"

"I said I had a dream." He cut off."Not that I suddenly believe in it all."

It was like a harsh blow to his gut, and Eren leaned back in his chair and steadied his breathing, as if it was physical. He wouldn't lie if he said that was probably the most heartbreaking put down he'd ever experienced. It was fact; no one else remembered and that was that. But this, where in a few moments he'd gotten his hopes up to their highest and then broken so easily, it was unbearable."How can you still say that after your own mind proves you wrong?" He suddenly burst angrily, and Levi sighed heavily.

"It doesn't mean anything. Nothing."

"What did you see?"

"I'd rather not speak about it."

"Please. Please tell me. I can prove it to you." He said firmly, and Levi swiveled around in his chair.

"Oh?" He quirked an eyebrow."Alright then. There was a female giant. And there was my team. What happens next?"

Eren's eyes widened a fraction. He shouldn't have been surprised to find out that that would be one of the first snippets of memory to return to him, but he was. And he suddenly felt a pang of empathy.

Levi narrowed his eyes in question." _What_ happens next?"

Eren exhales heavily."She was targeting me. Her hair is blonde."

Nothing, but a slight tightening of his jaw. 

"Your team consists of myself and four others. Gunther's neck was snapped. Erd and Auruo were trampled. Petra...Petra was...killed against a tree."

Levi's gaze wavered.

"It was all my fault." Eren breathed guiltily, fisting his hands against his thighs."If I hadn't put it all on them, if I'd had more confidence in myself, then they would've lived."

"What good is that to you _now_?"

"I will keep my promise."

" _Goddammit_ Eren."

He stifled a sob, but he couldn't hold back the anguished tears that suddenly spilled."You know...I thought..." A pause."I thought you'd be the first to take my side."

"Eren. I'm not going against you for the _sake_ of going against you. You can't let fantasy overcome your logic."His voice had softened in sympathy.

"That's our flaw. It's all- _logic_ and _science_. We're missing faith. _You're_ missing faith."

He turned away, expression stone again."Faith is bullshit."

He breathed through his nose, suddenly frightened by the thought that crawled into his conscious. But suddenly, in all irony and in a single moment, he'd lost all of his faith."I have to go," He breathed, wiping at his childish tears.

_I have to go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cookie for whoever reads within the hidden meanings and gives me a guess at what happens next.
> 
> Also, Eren went all messiah-missionary on Levi for a second XD 'FAIIITHHH'


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh I thought the 'I have to go' would sort of foreshadow this. whateves.

The thought was so brief. But it somehow plunged into a whole series of thoughts that Eren wouldn't have agreed to if he weren't so fucking put down.

He practically bulled through the clinic, the streets, home. Slammed the door to his room and pressed his forehead to his knees, sitting there on the floor for nearly half an hour trying to find his right mind.

He couldn't.

There was a soft rapping on his door."Eren?" He knew that tone. It was the tone he used on him only a few weeks ago, when isolating himself like this was the norm.

The urge to silence himself as a stress coping mechanism was strong, but not as powerful as before."...give me a couple of minutes."

Grisha left.

A few minutes. That's all he needed. Everything would be over. _Everything_. A sick thrill ran up his spine at the thought. It would take Grisha far too long to notice his absence.

His heart pumped, his breathing shortened, and part of his mind screamed at him as he stumbled into the washroom, only his movements weren't his anymore. 

-

Sick. _Disgusting_. 

Eren inhaled deeply, like he couldn't get enough of the rusty, metallic odor and it made him absolutely dizzy. With every breath he got weaker, closer. He saw what he didn't want to. His Corporal's face, defeated and etched with hurt, pain, and pain- and then his promise.

_Watch me break it._

And then there was Levi, in his impeccable pressed black button up, his calloused but unscarred fingers, with no marks were there should of been from holding his blades. How much would it matter to him if Eren kept his promise? Who would he be keeping it for? Levi, who was dead, or this Levi, who was not even an ounce of the person Eren knew?

 _Levi is dead._ He told himself, eyes stinging. _He's dead_. It wouldn't matter who he kept fighting for. 

_And I'm tired._

His breath hitched again, and he shut his eyes. 

It was fucked up that he welcomed this mess he'd made with all relief, and that his repulsed thoughts were to everything and everyone beyond the walls of his room.

He couldn't even move a bit without having his soaked shirt and pants stick to the bathtub, and even if he wanted to move, he wouldn't be able too, anyway, not at this point. 

He couldn't get enough of the smell, didn't fight when black slowly edged around the corners of his vision, but the sudden knocks on his bathroom door made him jolt up a bit.

That, and snapped him out of his trance. His eyes frantically darted around the bathtub, his dripping arms, the puddles of red around his feet. The deep gashes on his wrist stung for the first time that hour.

"Eren?" _Go away. I'm almost done_."Doctor Levi's on the phone. He wants to talk to you, it's important." Grisha paused, and Eren thought he heard the distinct buzz of the phone in the silence.

"W-what?" Grisha breathed, before slamming his palm against the door this time."Eren, open up! No, I can't, I can't open the door, it's locked." He rambled in panic, twisting the doorknob several times in vain."Please, Eren, open the-"

Eren blacked out. 

-

Cold. It was cold. He shifted, subconsciously curled in around himself. But his fingers were still freezing. For some reason, he couldn't pull his hands away from the cold hold.

A soft clicking, then footsteps. It was like a funny dream with a blindfold, because suddenly he could hear and smell everything, but still he couldn't see.

_That's because my eyes are closed._

Oh. He almost laughed, but didn't have the energy to. So he opened his eyes. The light was blinding.

The hold around his hand warmed, and he realized it was only his own fingers that were cold. His hand twitched a little.

After his eyes adjusted to the light, he recognized the figure blinking down at him worriedly."Mikasa..." What was he going to say? Whatever, he couldn't even remember. She turned her head away from him, blinked up at someone else instead. 

"I need some time alone with him." That certainly wasn't Mikasa's voice. Eren slipped an arm underneath his head, only to have the pressure make his wrist jolt with pain, and he glanced at the other person with a grimace.

Mikasa stood up and left, his heart sank a little when Levi drew up a chair by his bed and took a seat, and it all came back to him with another stinging wrist like his wounds reopened.

Eren had never seen Levi look that angry before.


	9. Chapter 9

He suddenly felt self conscious, bare and vulnerable, lying here drained with his wrapped wrists a heavy proof of his impulsive actions. And Levi was already making him guilty with only a simple stare. He locked his jaw and bunched the material of his blanket with a fist.

"Does it bother you this much?" Levi finally spoke, and Eren didn't know what he was talking about. He gazed away, silent."Living, I mean." He clarified, and his tone was blank and flat.

Eren said nothing. He could practically _feel_ what Levi was thinking, the slight dread of his habits kicking in again.

"Eren, I'm talking to you." There. A small bit of his anger went loose. It came with a certain pleasure of knowing he'd been able to rile him up. But he didn't want to do this again.

He shut his eyes softly."I'm tired."

"Of course you are. You bled dry."

"I'm tired." He repeated firmly."Of _you_." It came out of absolutely nowhere. He wanted to say he was tired of the world, everyone _on_ the world, these fucked up memories. But instead, this slipped past his throat before he could hold back. 

He didn't even want to take it back.

Levi had obviously not expected that answer. "What?"

"It's hard to see the only person that really matters turn against you, just like that." He seethed, and it suddenly occurred to him, that Levi didn't know, _he didn't know_. He didn't know what he'd meant to him. What they'd meant to each _other_.

He stared at the ceiling and fought his tears back."I loved you." He said quietly, so difficult to say it hurt. "Then I woke up and you...you didn't even _know_ me. How do you expect me to feel?"

That's it. Anyone else in Levi's position wouldn't hear anymore of this bullshit, Eren knew damn well it was absurd. Because he felt it, deep down, and couldn't possibly convey these feelings with mere words.

Because every ounce of logic says otherwise.

But he'd learned to answer to his heart after a long while. Every painful pang of a memory was his logic. 

"You didn't tell me." Levi's voice turned down a notch, and so did his anger.

"I was afraid of the decision you'd make." Eren answered truthfully, curling in around himself even more. His wrists stung again, and a twinge of guilt hit him in the chest.

 _I was afraid you'd leave me_.

"What were you _thinking_?"

"I wasn't." _I had to go. But here I am._

"Alright." Levi sighed through his nose."Then what do you think now?"

"I don't know." A pause."I don't want to be here."

"You'd rather be dead?"

Eren blinked in thought, quickly swiping at a tear that slipped."I'd rather be alive with someone who understands."

He knew that long silence meant nothing but thorough thought, because Levi, just as always, was thoughtful, never impulsive. Levi barely felt anymore.

"Would you give me another few minutes?" He said finally, tone decisive. 

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Neither am I." He crossed one leg over the other, making himself comfortable."Tell me about it all. All the unnecessary details. I want to know the... _us_ from before."

Eren felt his heart flit a little, giving Levi a disbelieving look. But he was completely serious.

"Since when do you believe in it all?"

"I don't." He said frankly."But I've decided I want to."

Eren regarded him for another moment, at a loss of words. That was the first step. The most _important_. He would have never expected Levi to take it.

He grinned suddenly, unable to do anything but just that."Where should I start?"

"Anywhere you want."

Eren sat up, mind buzzing, heart stumbling with every beat. Anywhere. Maybe the beginning would be nice. He folded his hands in his lap and took a deep breathe.

"I always looked up to you, ever since I was a child." He murmured, honestly feeling a bit embarrassed to recall his entire history of fanboying and obsessing."But then I met you for real. I mean, no, you kicked me in the face and took out my tooth."

Levi's eyes narrowed a bit in question but a corner of his lips quirked back.

"I sort of worshiped the ground you walked on after that." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided I don't want to make Levi come to a sudden realization, but for his memories to come back very gradually, and also until his feelings re-develop.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow guys, anyone remember this piece of crap?  
> I sort of don't.

Eren talked, and Levi listened. His eyes lit up remarkably, there was animation in his laugh, and a sob sometimes broke him off mid sentence but he was comfortable enough to continue.

Levi watched, watched as the glaze in his eyes shattered and as each memory however painful or light spilled with his tears, when he choked on the bitter reminder of the guilt of this one's death, of that one's brutal murder, when he laughed at the bittersweet moments he shared with this or that. Every now and then he appeared in the diaphanous smallness of Eren's voice, found a part in a story he seemed to be deep in but only could see from the outside.

It kept him thinking, haunted him in a way, long after Eren had gave in to his anesthetic and fell asleep. He stared at his soft and pale hands while the elevator descended to the main floor, imagined the scars and roughness if years of pressing on stationary were exchanged for course blades. He squinted against the cold breeze that hit him as he strode through the parking lot, pictured himself in panicked flight above monstrous giants.

He briefly wondered if it was so much flight as it was plummeting through blood and flesh that sizzled on green cloaks. These thoughts began as images, but quickly morphed into burning sensations as he drove with only a quarter of his mind back home. _Home_. Safe, sound, and warm.

Part of him wanted to go to sleep, maybe to find something beyond his conscious memory when the desperation in Eren's voice came to him again, a part of him that felt guilty for not being able live it with him. Another part of him was content with sitting on a comfortable chair with a warm drink as he contemplated a story he'd only heard not even an hour ago and tried to fit in that missing piece that was none other than his own face.

He was flooded with voicemails from his secretary, reminding him of all the urgent appointments he needed to tend to today. He payed them no mind. He needed today for himself.

He called Grisha before Eren's next scheduled session and recommended they delayed it a few more weeks, deeming it safe for Eren to have time strictly alone after that huge talk they had.

"He wants to come." Grisha says.

"Sorry?" 

"He wants to come for therapy tomorrow." 

 _Oh_. Levi can't say anything to that, despite his surprise.

When he came to the realization that he'd really asked for this delay for himself, and not for Eren, he felt selfish. He never thought it would come down to this, but he wasn't ready to being a composed and unrelenting doctor so soon again.

Now, here they were. Levi sat beside him on the couch where Eren usually sat alone, his desk abandoned. Eren lounged back with crossed arms and stared ahead, not in the lifeless way he did the first few sessions, but with a lot more ease and satisfaction. And Levi, for the first time, didn't press him to talk, to draw, to anything. Levi sat quietly and gave him the choice of directing the session the way he wanted. He blamed this on his lost state for the past few days, for his persistent attempts of blending in Eren's reality with his. He hadn't come to a sensible conclusion yet, but he'd managed to take the first step in understanding what's what.

Eren stirred after long and silent minutes, removed his hood and leaned forward a bit. Levi anticipated the one question he could expect to anticipate.

"Do you believe me?"

"Yes." he didn't hesitate.

Eren's shoulders stiffened a bit in an ambiguous emotion."Do you remember?"

"No."

Eren looked at him with an expression of hurt, and Levi wasn't sure what part of his truthful answer had hurt him.

"Then why are you pretending?"

"Pretending?" Levi parrots, cocking his head in confusion.

"That you..." Eren made a useless gesture with a hand."That you give a fuck." It didn't make sense how quickly he'd reeled into such tension.

It made Levi think, _impaired_ his thinking actually, that he took such a long moment of silence before responding."I find it strange that you believe in empathy but not sympathy."

"Please don't call me your pity case." He breathed.

"You're not. I can't do anything with pity." Levi didn't know how to get this through to him, when it didn't make sense in his head either."I don't remember. I _won't_ remember." _That's_ what he wanted to say."Are you going to live your entire life waiting on the basis that someday, I might remember?"

Eren's hand twitched, clenched into a fist over his thigh.

"Your past is yours. But that doesn't mean I can't sympathize just because I've never seen the closest to you die. It's _not_ pity." It still made no sense to him."Pity is a final resort. Pity is helplessly feeling sorry for someone without changing anything."

" _Look_ at you." Eren grits."Pitying me but _not_ pitying me because you think you're pitying me with a side of doing something about it."

"What would you do if I remember?"

Eren stilled at this.

"What would you do?"

"I would kiss you and let you hold me without the slightest fear of you doing it half-heartedly." 

Eren might had mentioned that he was madly in love with him and that Levi wasn't faring any better before, but that was the first time he'd found Eren crossing the boundary of _his dead_ _Levi_ and this Levi who he hated so much because he was an empty replica of the original. It didn't bother Levi as much he thought it would.

Eren dug the heel of his hand into his eyes for a moment, emitted a short and mirthless laugh."I'm sorry. I sound really stupid right now."

"I'm capable of loving, you know. I'm not a heartless bastard." He said softer than he'd intended.

He got another glance, noticed the slight reddening of Eren's eyes."You've told me the same thing before."

"I would expect myself to be quite constantly misunderstood, yes."

He saw a small twitch of his lips, saw the bitterness gradually begin to wash away. And again, it was so quiet the ticking of the clock on his wall was almost loud. Eren was still leaning forward, head turned away from him, wringing his hands back and forth. Levi dared to reach for one, warmed from the nervous massage as he settled it between them on the cold couch. Eren still wouldn't look at him.

"Do you think you could start again?" He occupied himself with the task of Eren's slightly trembling fingers, feeling every boyishly developed knuckle and the softness of skin being excluded from athletic purpose. Eren didn't answer, and he opted to keeping his hand still on top of his."I've never killed a single soul before. But I can make excellent tea and toiletry jokes. I could also go shopping for cravats, what do you think?" 

Eren's shoulders shook and his uncertainty gave away. He moved his hand so he could lace his fingers with Levi's, eyes moist despite his smile.

"I think we could work with that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I confused myself with that last part real hard.
> 
> *showers mc-jaeger with much love*


End file.
